The Story of a Lifetime

What I am about to share with you is a view into my past...a snapshot into a defining moment of my life, if you will.

I was youngster, at the tender age of ten. I had already accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Early on, my parents had instilled in me the importance of living a devoted life to Christ. As many of you know, it's not easy trying to live up to such standards. I'll admit I was a bit legalistic and ignorant of many things at the time...what else would you expect from a ten year old that just wanted to live according to the Bible.

Having grown up in a Christian environment, it was only a matter of time until I heard about the unpardonable sin. This is based on Mark 3:29, which says, "But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." Now, for those who take the Bible in a literal manner, this causes a deep introspective look at one's life....I don't know, maybe it only happened to me. Aware that I was ignorant on the subject, I sought out advice from my dad. I'm sure he was surprised by the question. Think about it, what ten year old asks that kind of question any ways? In an effort to make it simple for me to understand, he said that the unpardonable sin, is basically calling Jesus "stupid."

I meditated on it for a couple of months. However, on a family trip to Panama City (actually in Panama...not that wannabe place in Florida:), things took a turn for the worse. As I mentioned before I was a bit legalistic in the sense that I wanted to make sure that I didn't do anything that would constitute as blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I thought, that if I would even think the thought "Jesus is stupid," that would automatically send me to hell. Anyways, we were staying in a hotel as we visited some of my mother's family in Panama. While in that hotel, I really do think there was some kind of demonic presence there. All of a sudden, during our stay, I became even more paranoid of trying not to think this particular thought. As the days wore on, the torture in my mind became even more intense. There was a war going on inside my head, and eventually I gave in, and thought the unthinkable.

One day, my family and I spent some time on the roof of the hotel, while waiting for the laundry to finish. As anxiousness continued to tear away at me, I confirmed with my dad (who was not aware of the battle going on in my mind) that Mark 3:29 did indeed refer to calling Jesus stupid. Confirming the already known, I separated myself from my family. I went to the part of the roof that overlooked the front of the hotel. As I did, the enemy, using my limited knowledge against me, began to fill my mind with thoughts that, at the time seemed rational. These thoughts were presented in the third person, but I eventually came to own them. Thoughts such as, "You might as well throw yourself off this building." "Whats the point of living? I'm going to hell anyways, so I might as well spare God, my parents, and myself the hassle of living any longer." "God hates me."

I began to pace the roof. I remember distinctly going to the right side of the building...there was another building there...I wouldn't be able to throw myself off there. So I went to the left side of the hotel...down below was an alley, however there were a bunch of dumpsters. I figured that I could easily throw myself off there, but I was afraid the dumpsters would break my fall and I would live. Finally, I came to the front of the hotel. There was nothing in my way! In fact, I could imagine what would happen after I threw myself off. I could see the headlines of the following day, "American boy throws himself off of a hotel in the middle of the City." As the attacks on my mind got worse, chaos and desperation ensued. I became more determined to end everything then and there. I can remember as if it were yesterday, my leg muscles tensed as I was bending so I could jump off. My mind was so clouded with the barrage of thoughts, I didn't sense any fear of jumping.

Just as I was about to climb on the ledge, there was a lone thought that crossed my mind. Like light at the end of a very dark tunnel, it said, "What if your wrong?" This stopped me for just a second. This thought was the needle that penetrated through all the chaos in my mind. It was as though it released medicine into my system. The thoughts that came after that were not thoughts of suicide and condemnation, they were thoughts of love and compassion. Even though the voice wasn't audible I knew it was God. The thoughts came one after another saying, "Stephen, I love you. I forgive you. You are mine and I have an amazing plan for your life." His words sent sweet relief all throughout my body. The agony that I experienced had subsided and I began to cry. Again I approached my parents and they could tell something was wrong. I told them that I had been worried that I had committed the unforgivable sin (I did not tell them until years later that I had actually thought about killing myself). Once we arrived home, a couple days later, my dad and I went out and he explained in greater detail what this specific verse reference was talking about.

You may ask why I would, on a public network, share such a personal story? I do realize that there will be people out there that may criticize and will claim to have all the theological and psychological answers as to what happened. I don't care. I do know one thing though, the message I received on the ledge of that hotel was not meant just for me. There are so many people out there living in sin, doing they want (teetering on the line of being indifferent), oblivious to the fact that God is trying to get their attention, or maybe your going through a really hard time in your life. Let my story be a lesson to you. God loves you so much and if you would only give yourself completely to Him, He would begin using you in ways that you could never imagine! If your reading this, It doesn't matter if your life is perfect at this point or if your in shambles right now. There is always one common denominator. God has you in the palms of His hands. Your life is precious to Him. Surrender everything you are, to truly gain all that He is.

Remember, we are all small and insignificant, however that doesn't stop a great, awesome, and more than capable God from using us.

Surrender completely.